i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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