Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
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