Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
