My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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