I feel like abortions should bother me more
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you win again, gameday.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
