cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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