On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
