my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
