Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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