3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
