Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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