i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I love having hate sex.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
