I looked at my own cervix.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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