I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
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