Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
