She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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