It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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