plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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