There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
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Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
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Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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