just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
