I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
