So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
