apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
