tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
whose parrot is this?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
