He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
