dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
