Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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