Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
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I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
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mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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