apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
