God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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