I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
There's always time for handjobs
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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