I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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