My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
