I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
