hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
