I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
