Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
