At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
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Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
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Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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