you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
