Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux