my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects