Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception