Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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