There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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