hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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