At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
