told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
