Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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