Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
