I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
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just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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