I am in a vortex of obligation.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
