I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
