I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
