There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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