cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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