You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
