You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
