It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
