there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
