Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
