Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
