i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
