$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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