Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
